2012 Mocha Dad

While most people are busily writing down their New Year’s resolutions on January 1st, I’m contemplating my life. I consider myself to be an introspective person and I’ve never been able to create a list of resolutions without giving it some serious thought. Also, there’s a part of me that hates to fail; therefore, I have to make sure that any goals I set for myself are achievable.

That’s why I usually wait until my birthday, which falls in the middle of the month, to set goals or make resolutions. Birthdays are always a time of reflection when I evaluate the previous year and determine how I’d like spend my time in the year ahead of me. This process has become more important to me since I’ve passed the 40 year mark. I now realize how short life really is and how important it is to maximize my time.

I’ve divided my goals into 5 categories: Physical, Spiritual, Family, Giving, and Personal. These categories help me to keep things balanced. Even though some categories have more items, I intend to treat them equally because each one is important to me. Things that prevent me from achieving my goals in each category will be systematically culled from my life. Of course, I will remain to take advantage of great opportunities or experiences, but all things must pass through my internal filter.

Here are the things that I intend to accomplish in 2012:

Physical

• Run a 5K race
• Get into shape by exercising  at least three times a week
• Get regular medical and dental check-ups

Spiritual

• Read the Bible and pray daily
• Become a more active volunteer at church

Family

• Go on monthly dates with my wife
• Go on regular dates with kids individually
• Build train table for my sons
• Take two family vacations
• Take a trip with my wife
• Support my kids in all of their endeavors
• Spend more time with friends and extended family

Giving

• Set-up a scholarship fund for kids at my high school
• Participate in at least 2 cause related walks
• Volunteer for and donate money to causes that are important to me and my family (education, hunger, AIDS, homelessness, veterans)

Personal

• Learn to drive a manual car
• Post to blogs on a regular basis (Mocha Dad, Six String Theories, Mommy to the Max)
• Attend at least on blogging conference
• Learn more about guitar playing by reading, practicing, and taking lessons regularly (ultimate goal is to play “Human Nature” like John Meyer did at Michael Jackson’s memorial service)
• Write and record a song
• Take one photo each day
• Visit with career coach monthly
• Become proficient at video production
• Meet more of my online friends in real life

I’ve decided to post my goals on this blog because I understand the importance of community. I know that many of you will hold me accountable and keep me motivated. Last year, I didn’t invest enough time in the spiritual and physical categories. This year, I will to do better because I have a defined plan for how I want to live my life in 2012.

Stay Strong,

Question: What are your 2012 goals?

When I’m not feeling well, I’m perfectly content with lying in bed all day. I also have no problem with my wife’s taking care of me or having the kids fetch me the remote. After all, my getting better is the most important thing. Right?

Obviously, my family disagrees. Instead of serving me a healing breakfast in bed, they taunt me by calling me a big baby. Every time my daughter sees me sleeping longer than normal, she says, “Oh no, Daddy has man-cold. I guess we won’t see him all week.” Hey, I’m only responding to my body’s telling me that it needs a break.

My wife, KayEm, on the other hand, refuses to be still when she’s sick. Many times, I have to physically carry her into the bedroom, place her in bed and tuck her in. If I could lock the door from the outside, I would. That would be the only way that I could keep her from escaping and washing a load of clothes.

The last time KayEm was sick, she reluctantly went to bed while I prepared the kids for bedtime. Forty-five minutes later, she came upstairs with a disapproving look on her face.

“Why aren’t the kids in bed yet?” She asked looking at the clock that displayed 8:35 p.m. I turned off the TV and put down my guitar to better defend myself.

“I told you I had everything under control,” I said. “Why are you up here?”

“I’m just checking to make sure everything is going okay,” she said.

“Everything’s fine,” I said as I escorted her back to the bedroom. “Now get some rest.”

The next day, we had an event to attend and I told KayEm that she should stay at home since she wasn’t feeling well. Of course she didn’t listen. She spent the next 4 hours in a room filled with rambunctious cub scouts with lassos.

KayEm ran herself ragged for the rest of the weekend and refused to take any time to decompress and get better. She continued to wash dishes, iron clothes, and pick up around the house even though I told her I would handle it. But she likes things done her way and it’s hard for me to convince her that my way works too.

I really do wish she would come down with a case of man-cold because she could use the rest.

Stay Strong,

Question: Has a similar scenario ever played out in your relationship?

Repost from Making it Last Forever (visit to read my wife’s perspective)

Many of you may know Tray Chaney as “Poot” from HBO’s “The Wire,” but I know him as dedicated father. He made this song and video titled “Fatherhood” to inspire other men to accept and relish in the responsibilities of raising a child and having him or her call you Dad. The video not only features Chaney’s son, but also his own father. Enjoy.

Stay Strong,

I read an article in the New York Times with the curious title, “A Poverty Solution That Starts With a Hug.” I was intrigued and delved into the story.

The piece talks about a study that the American Academy of Pediatrics did on the harmful effects of toxic stress on young children. As a child, I was well aware of toxic stress. I experienced poverty, domestic violence, and myriad situations that children shouldn’t be exposed to. But I managed to escape mostly unscathed and this article attributes it to my mother’s care and concern:

Perhaps the most widespread peril children face isn’t guns, swimming pools or speeding cars. Rather, scientists are suggesting that it may be “toxic stress” early in life, or even before birth…Toxic stress might arise from parental abuse of alcohol or drugs. It could occur in a home where children are threatened and beaten. It might derive from chronic neglect — a child cries without being cuddled. Affection seems to defuse toxic stress — keep those hugs and lullabies coming! [Kristoff, Nicholas (01/07/2012) "A Poverty Solution That Starts with a Hug." New York Times. Retrieved 01/12/12 http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/08/opinion/sunday/kristof-a-poverty-solution-that-starts-with-a-hug.html]

While it may seem outrageous that poverty and other social problems can be solved with hugs and lullabies, I’m inclined to agree that showing affection to your kids does have a positive impact.

Regardless of what was going on in my life, my mother could always comfort me with a hug. Even if the world was falling apart around us, I found solace in her embrace. Her hugs made me feel safe. My mother is only 5’2″, but I was confident that she would always protect me from harm.

But it wasn’t just the hugs that made a difference in my life. It was her encouraging words and confidence in my abilities that motivated me to rise above the squalor that surrounded me. Sometimes a child needs to hear “I believe in you.” My mother always let me know that she believed in me and therefore, my trust in her grew stronger.

Each day, I try to do the same things with my kids. I’m constantly hugging them, displaying affection, and giving them words of encouragement.

My middle son thrives most on the physical affection. He loves it when I wrap him in arms and shower him with kisses. Sometimes he nearly knocks me down when he comes running and jumps into my arms. My oldest daughter is going through her tween phase and doesn’t think it’s cool for me to hug her in public, but I’ve noticed the she always hugs back when I embrace her. The youngest child also enjoys affection and loves to cuddle on my lap. To be honest, I love it as much as he does.

I think that it’s especially important for fathers to hug their children and show affection. Many of my friends have told me about how they grew up with distant, cold fathers. Although they never questioned their father’s love for them, they yearned for a little tenderness. Sometimes I think my father’s not being there may have been easier to cope with than having a father who never expressed his love.

I try to always show my children that I love them through my words and my actions. Thankfully, they have never had to deal with any of the toxic stress that I did. But if they ever encounter a difficult situation, I want them to know that my love is strong enough to help them overcome anything that they may face.

Have you hugged your child today?

Stay strong,

I’m no parenting expert. But from time to time, I receive requests for advice from my readers. Sometimes I’m able to share solutions to problems I’ve experienced. Other times, I must refer the reader to a professional. However, I’ve discovered that many people already know the answers they’re seeking and they simply want someone to talk to and I’ve filled that need for several of my readers. I don’t offer advice. I don’t try to fix their problem. I just listen.

The reason why I listen is because I understand how difficult it is for some parents to admit that they have a problem. As a young father, I had many doubts fears about my ability to raise a child. I really wanted to be a perfect parent. Unfortunately, no one told me how to do that. I never enrolled in Parenting 101 or received the Parenting Manual. I struggled. I made mistakes. But I continued t0 seek the path to parenting perfection (hint: it doesn’t exist). Thankfully, I had a network of men in my life who helped me through these personal struggles. They listened to my concerns and gave me encouragement. This network has been invaluable to my development as a father. That’s why I continue to give to others inside and outside of my real life and online networks.

Through this blog, I’ve met some great parents who have also taught me how to be a better dad. These people have been more than readers, they’ve grown into friends. We share life together through tweets, e-mails, Facebook updates, and comments on each other’s blogs. I’ve not only benefited from these connections, but I’ve also helped a few friends to cope with some difficult situations in their lives.

Over the holidays, I received a card from one of my readers. At first, I thought I was just a regular Christmas card, but when I opened it, I realized that it was much more. Early in my blogging career, he contacted me about a problem he was having with his teenage daughter. I listened to his situation and offered encouragement. Over the next few weeks we exchanged messages and continued to work through this problem together. After a while, our communication about this issue started to taper off, but we remained in contact through social networks.

I hadn’t thought about the situation with his daughter until I read the card: ”Thank you for helping me deal with the situation with my daughter,” it read. “I really appreciated your help.”

That message warmed my heart and I will keep that card as a treasured possession.

Blogging was never meant to be a one way conversation. It was intended to be a dialogue. I’m thankful that I’ve been blessed with readers who trust me enough to share intimate details of their lives as I share mine with them.

Stay Strong,

2011 was a great year for Mocha Dad. I was selected as a top Dad blog on Babble and SheKnows. I participated in the Twizzlers Landmark Summer Roadtrip, I was selected as an eBay Parent Panel Ambassador, I blogged for Dr. Smiths as a Premium Parent, and I worked on some exciting campaigns with several brands.

One of the highlights of 2011, was my trip to BlogHer. I had a great time in San Diego and I got to met several of my blogging friends. But my most treasured memories of 2011 were the interactions I had with each of you on this blog and on my social networks (Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest).

Below are some of your favorite posts of 2011. I hope you enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.

1. The Power of a Simple Christmas Card
2. Go See the Doctor
3. The Importance of Showing Affection in Front of the Kids
4. The Importance of Family Goal Setting
5. 30 Days of Mocha Dad: Day #26 – My First Car
6. 30 Days of Mocha Dad: Day #21 – My Most Embarassing Moment
7. Tweens and Cell Phones
8. A Trip to the Beach Helps Son to Overcome Fears
9. Taylor Swift Makes Me Wish My Daughter Would Never Grow Up (this is my personal favorite)
10. The Bag of Quarters

I’m looking forward to sharing more great posts in 2012.

Stay Strong,

I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas. Enjoy the time with your family.

Stay Strong,

If you’re like me, you wait until the last minute to do your Christmas shopping. Sometimes it works out well because I’ve been able to score some great deals. Other times, I’ve been stuck in a crowded mall at the 11th hour picking through the left-overs. If you’re still searching for that special Christmas gift, I’d like to share with you a few great products that I’ve had the opportunity to review over the past few weeks (disclosure – I received samples of these products for review purposes. All opinions are my own):

TOYS

Worx Toys ($39.99 -$49.99) - My 8 year old son, N, constantly bombards me with questions about how things work. Since I’m a bit of a geek myself, I enjoy the challenge of finding the right answers. In my quest to keep one step ahead on my son, I discovered Worx Toys. Founded by three fathers who set out to create innovative toys for their curious little kids, Worx Toys makes vehicles that simultaneously entertain and educate. Each vehicle is made of highly durable, colorful and translucent plastic that allows children to look inside to see their inner workings in action. Corresponding storybooks explain what each part does while taking the reader on an adventure in their new Speedster Racecar, Apex Police Helicopter or Torch Fire Truck with their new favorite character and friend, Howie Works. My son has the racecar and he is absolutely enthralled by it. Not only is it fun to play with, but it also keeps him intellectually engaged. Worx Toys can be found at hundreds of online and specialty toy stores throughout the US and Canada including Young Explorers, Fat Brain and Barnes and Noble. For more information, please visit www.worxtoys.com or see how they really work by viewing the quick demo at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG4zhB1hlg0.

BOOKS

The Geek Dad Book For Aspiring Mad Scientists: The Coolest Experiments and Projects for Science Fairs and Family Fun by Ken Denmead ($18.00) – N and I love to build things and conduct experiments together (two of our favorites have been the cigar box guitar and the soda bottle rocket). This third installment in the popular GEEK DAD series has given my son and me many new things to explore including:  Building a radio out of office supplies;  Writing top secret messages in invisible ink; and sending subliminal messages with mind control (I’m still working on using mind control to make him clean his room). If you know a budding scientist, you should definitely pick up this book and the rest of the Geek Dad series.

Man Shoes by Tom Watson ($21.99) - In his book, Man Shoes, Watson shares his inspiring true story of one man’s journey through loss and love, told with humor and heroism. The book tells a real-life tale of the importance and values of fatherhood. It is emotional and inspiring. I was touched by Watson’s story and it made me recommit to being a better man, husband, and father. I really liked Watson’s advice on how a man can strengthen his role in the family and society through traditions. If you’re seeking to improve your relationship with your family, I’d recommend your reading Man Shoes this holiday season.

 ELECTRONICS

Atari Arcade – Duo Powered ($59.00) - I was a child of the 80s and I loved my Atari gaming system. Although it wasn’t as elaborate or high-tech as today’s systems, it still provided me with hours of fun. If you’re an iPad owner and miss those Atari games, you should definitely try out Discovery Bay Games‘ Atari Arcade – Duo Powered. Relive the fast-action excitement of all your arcade favorites, like Asteroids, Centipede, and Missile Command. Simply connect your iPad to Atari Arcade, download Atari’s Greatest Hits app for Duo, and you’re ready to share the fun with family and friends anywhere! With its joystick and buttons, Atari Arcade—Duo Powered is exactly the way arcade games were meant to be played. Atari’s Greatest Hits app for Atari Arcade is designed for 1-2 players. Works with both iPad & iPad 2.

Stay Strong,

Question: Do you have any cool gift ideas that you’d like to share?

Today’s communication tools such as e-mail, texting, Facebook, and Twitter were designed to help people stay in touch. While I enjoy using these tools (except for e-mail), I sometimes feel as if our dependence on technology has made it more difficult to develop authentic relationships.

One thing that I like to do to remain connected with people is to send Christmas cards. I’m not talking about those cute e-cards with the reindeer and dancing elves. I’m talking about the actual paper-based products with glitter and fancy fonts that require a stamp to reach its destination. This year I’m mailing over 500 Christmas cards to friends, family, and business associates. Sending this many cards is a chore. I have to purchase the cards, get rolls of stamps from the Post Office, sign each card, and address each envelope. Every year I wondered if it’s really worth the effort.

Whenever I start to question the value of sending these cards, I think back to an encounter I had with my neighbor. She made me realize that the simple act of sending a Christmas card can have a huge impact on someone’s life.

In 1998, my wife, KayEm, and I lived in a duplex in Jacksonville, FL. One night, I noticed KayEm, printing out several sheets of paper.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m printing out our Christmas card list,” she said.

“What’s the point of sending Christmas cards?” I asked. “Nobody reads them. They just toss them in the trash. Why should we even waste the time and money?” I don’t know why I was feeling so Scrooge-like, but the thought of sending out cards seemed absolutely ridiculous.

“It’s a nice gesture to show our friends and family that we’re thinking about them,” said KayEm. “Now come on and help me. Your job is to seal the envelopes and attach the stamps.”

I begrudgingly agreed to help. As I licked the envelopes, I noticed a card addressed to our neighbors.

“Why are we mailing Dan and Beth a Christmas card,” I asked. “They live right above us. We can carry it up to them and save a stamp.” My wife ignored me and kept stuffing the envelopes. I sighed and continued licking.

A few days later, I pulled into the driveway and saw Beth walking up the stairs. She immediately stopped and turned back to meet me.

“Hello, Beth,” I said. “How are you doing?”

“I wasn’t doing very well until I received your Christmas card,” she said.

“What are you talking about?” I asked. She explained that she had been ill and was feeling depressed about her condition. Dan tried to cheer her up, but to know avail.

“When I opened that Christmas card and saw that cute little kitten with the Santa hat, I smiled,” she said. “It’s been a long time since I’ve smiled. That little card made me feel good and gave me hope. Thank you.”

She gave me a hug and climbed the stairs to her apartment. I was flabbergasted and a little embarrassed by my reluctance to send out the cards. When I told KayEm about the encounter, she wisely resisted the urge to say, “I told you so.”

Since that moment, I’ve been a firm believer in sending out Christmas cards. In fact, my list seems to grow every year. One person’s smile makes all of the effort worthwhile. Merry Christmas.

Stay strong,

P.S. – If you would like to receive a Christmas card from me, e-mail me your mailing address.

My sons are huge WWE fans. They can’t wait to watch RAW and Smackdown each week.

Therefore, I wasn’t surprised when they asked for wrestling action figures for Christmas. I was surprised at how difficult finding these figures would be. I had no idea that WWE action figures were a hot holiday item. My ignorance has left me scrambling to find one figure before Christmas Day: Mark Henry.

For those of you who don’t keep up with wrestling, Mark Henry is the current World Heavyweight Champion. Although he is a “bad guy,” his action figure seems to be popular among fans and collectors.

I’ve spent many days over the past few weeks searching the toy sections of various retailers only to leave empty-handed. My online search didn’t fare any better. Mark Henry was sold-out wherever I looked. I finally decided to turn to my trusted online destination – eBay. If I couldn’t find Mark Henry on eBay, I knew that all hope was lost.

The good news is that eBay didn’t let me down. I found over 40 Mark Henry action figures listed. The bad news is that the prices for unopened packages ranged from $30 to over $60 (the retail price is $10-$20). Even some of the loose figures are approaching $30. Curse that law of supply and demand.

Now I must decide if I should pay the inflated price for a Mark Henry figure and make my sons happy on Christmas or should I wait to see their looks of disappointment when they discover that Mark Henry isn’t under the Christmas tree.

I’ll keep searching for Mark Henry until the last minute. Maybe I’ll be lucky enough to place a low bid on eBay that will actually win. Miracles do happen at Christmastime.

Stay strong,

Question: Is there an item on your child’s Christmas list that’s been hard to find?