Mocha Dad and Moms: What Happened to Manners

Mocha Dad and Moms is a monthly column where a mom and I give our points-of-view on a parenting topic. Today’s featured mom is Kathy Sena.

The Little Princess

I was on a flight from Raleigh, NC to L.A. the other day. A mom with three kids sat across from me, with one next to her and two in front of her.

The woman is sitting behind her young daughter who has just trashed the floor around her seat with food, toys, and papers. It’s about time to land and the place is a mess.

The flight attendant is on her hands and knees, cleaning up around the kid. The kid never thanks her. (The mom, a bit sheepishly, thanks the flight attendant after the fact, but never encourages her daughter to show any appreciation.)

I think the mom missed a real opportunity by not reminding the girl to say thank you (and perhaps reminding her to help — or to not create such a mess on a crowded airplane in the first place).

It bothered me to see the girl sitting there, like a little princess, while this hard-working flight attendant was on her hands and knees at the girl’s feet, cleaning up.

- Kathy

Kathy Sena is a freelance journalist who has written for USA Today, Newsweek and many parenting magazines. She also writes the blog, Parent Talk Today.

* * * * *

Smackdown!

I’ve spent countless hours on airplanes where I’ve encountered many rude parents and children.

I can bear screaming babies or kids that get a bit fidgety on long flights and need to move around. What I can’t bear is parents who refuse to monitor and correct their children’s behavior. I have given many parents the evil eye because their kids wouldn’t stop kicking my seat.

On one flight, the flight attendant asked a mother to fasten her child’s seat belt before takeoff.

“She won’t do it and I don’t feel like arguing with her,” said the mother. The flight attendant was flabbergasted and so was I. The flight attendant had to reach over the mother, make the child sit still, and fasten the seat belt. The child screamed like a banshee while the mother sat quietly and did nothing.

In another egregious incident, I witnessed a child slap a flight attendant. The child was running amuck throughout the cabin and the flight attendant attempted to control her while the mother sat in her seat reading a magazine.

The flight attendant finally corralled the child and placed her in the seat next to her mother. As she leaned over to fasten the seat belt, SMACK, right across the face.

“Ma’am,” said the angry flight attendant to the oblivious mother, “Your child just hit me. Aren’t you going to do something about it?”

The mother placed her magazine on her lap and gently scolded her daughter, “It’s not nice to hit, honey.” She reached into her purse, gave the kid a snack and continued reading her magazine. The flight attendant was furious and stormed down the aisle.

As a parent I can understand the stress and difficulty associated with traveling with small children. I’ve been there and done that. But simply cannot understand parents who refuse to correct their children when they exhibit rude and disrespectful behavior.

Stay Strong,

Questions: What has happened to our manners in this country? What can we do about it?

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tagged as: Mocha Dad and Moms

http://www.carmasez.com carma

Boy, I can’t wait to see what these kids are like in 10 years – Oh, wait, yeah, I can…

These parents are doing their kids a disservice. Lots of luck for them surviving in the big scary world without mommy to back them up all the time; although these moms are undoubtedly of the helicopter variety and will do everything in their power to continue to coddle these little princesses…
.-= carma´s last blog ..Add this to My Bucket List =-.

Kathy Sena

Carma — and everyone here — thanks so much for your terrific comments. I can see I’m certainly not alone in my opinion on this! Just wish I knew what to do to make things change. We are surely headed down the wrong path as a society here.

http://www.carmasez.com carma

Boy, I can’t wait to see what these kids are like in 10 years – Oh, wait, yeah, I can…

These parents are doing their kids a disservice. Lots of luck for them surviving in the big scary world without mommy to back them up all the time; although these moms are undoubtedly of the helicopter variety and will do everything in their power to continue to coddle these little princesses…
.-= carma´s last blog ..Add this to My Bucket List =-.
http://www.momfiles.com Sheliza

Now I am truly old school with child rearing and it is sad to see the epidemic of poor manners in today’s children. There are so many parents that don’t deserve the title “parent” since they don’t partake in that vital part of their role. We are our children’s first teacher. Manners should not have to be taught by anyone else besides the parents. It’s a sad, sad thing. Great post to you both.
.-= Sheliza´s last blog ..False accusations =-.
http://www.momfiles.com Sheliza

Now I am truly old school with child rearing and it is sad to see the epidemic of poor manners in today’s children. There are so many parents that don’t deserve the title “parent” since they don’t partake in that vital part of their role. We are our children’s first teacher. Manners should not have to be taught by anyone else besides the parents. It’s a sad, sad thing. Great post to you both.
.-= Sheliza´s last blog ..False accusations =-.
http://decksidethoughts.blogspot.com Cheryl

Wow. That’s nasty stuff. I recently read a post bemoaning the fact that some athletes are not great role models for our children. It’s just not their job. My response to this woman’s outrage was what happened to parents, teachers, grandparents, coaches, religious leaders, and friendly shopkeepers as role models in children’s lives? Parents are the #1 role models. What do we do about them?

Cheryl’s last blog ..Oh Crap!
http://decksidethoughts.blogspot.com Cheryl

Wow. That’s nasty stuff. I recently read a post bemoaning the fact that some athletes are not great role models for our children. It’s just not their job. My response to this woman’s outrage was what happened to parents, teachers, grandparents, coaches, religious leaders, and friendly shopkeepers as role models in children’s lives? Parents are the #1 role models. What do we do about them?

Cheryl’s last blog ..Oh Crap!
WillBinMN

Unfortunately, in general, being rude has become the norm. It’s not just parents and their children, it’s the cashier at the grocery store, the nurse at the doctor’s office and the person that cuts in front of you in the Target parking lot to get the spot you had been waiting on. We have gone from a society that I remember as being friendly when I was a kid to being grumpy, selfish and mostly unwilling to assist others in a polite manner. I don’t get it. Honestly, I fight the urge not to fall into the norm. It would be so easy to do so. Instead, I do my very best at smiling, saying hello and helping others while in public. It’s always nice to see the response from people that aren’t expecting it.

Thanks for this post. I think you hit on a very important topic, but I think the problem is much bigger than children and parents.
WillBinMN

Unfortunately, in general, being rude has become the norm. It’s not just parents and their children, it’s the cashier at the grocery store, the nurse at the doctor’s office and the person that cuts in front of you in the Target parking lot to get the spot you had been waiting on. We have gone from a society that I remember as being friendly when I was a kid to being grumpy, selfish and mostly unwilling to assist others in a polite manner. I don’t get it. Honestly, I fight the urge not to fall into the norm. It would be so easy to do so. Instead, I do my very best at smiling, saying hello and helping others while in public. It’s always nice to see the response from people that aren’t expecting it.

Thanks for this post. I think you hit on a very important topic, but I think the problem is much bigger than children and parents.
http://www.uberoom.com/romantic-rooms-1/ Bryan

I spend the weekend with a friend and her child that has no manners. Even when the mom asked the kid to say thank you, she would say no instead. The child will learn soon enough that she’ll have a hard time getting what she wants without saying thank you and meaning it.

Bryan
http://www.uberoom.com/romantic-rooms-1/ Bryan

I spend the weekend with a friend and her child that has no manners. Even when the mom asked the kid to say thank you, she would say no instead. The child will learn soon enough that she’ll have a hard time getting what she wants without saying thank you and meaning it.

Bryan
Pingback: Parent Talk Today » Blog Archive » My Guest Post on Mocha Dad: Forget Snakes on a Plane… What About All This Rudeness?
http://supermomplace.com/ Supermomplace

The thing is the job is not being done at home! If your kid don’t behave at home, they’re not gonna behave in public. Kids learn by example. They only reproduce what they see. What has happened to our manners in this country? Parenting have gotten too watered down! Parents don’t spank their kids anymore because study said “they’ll be aggressive or their IQ will drop” BOO-HOO! I have 2 little girls 1 and 2 and they know to say please and thank you and when they drop food and make mess on the floor, we do the clean song and pick it up! And I can easily straight them up with a look! Well 1 y/o is not there yet but in few month she will be.

What can we do about it? Start early! They need to learn consequences of bad act as well as praises for good act! SPANK them butts!
That’s my 2 cents on it
.-= Supermomplace´s last blog ..I hate changing diapers =-.
http://supermomplace.com/ Supermomplace

The thing is the job is not being done at home! If your kid don’t behave at home, they’re not gonna behave in public. Kids learn by example. They only reproduce what they see. What has happened to our manners in this country? Parenting have gotten too watered down! Parents don’t spank their kids anymore because study said “they’ll be aggressive or their IQ will drop” BOO-HOO! I have 2 little girls 1 and 2 and they know to say please and thank you and when they drop food and make mess on the floor, we do the clean song and pick it up! And I can easily straight them up with a look! Well 1 y/o is not there yet but in few month she will be.

What can we do about it? Start early! They need to learn consequences of bad act as well as praises for good act! SPANK them butts!
That’s my 2 cents on it
.-= Supermomplace´s last blog ..I hate changing diapers =-.
http://mini-e-and-me.blogspot.com/ Paul

I’d run out of fingers and toes if I tried to count the times I’ve seen such incidents of rude children — and even “clueless parents.” And ITA with WillBinMN: This rudeness goes way beyond kids and parents. But, for me, this post points out WHY “rudeness” seems to have become the norm in our society!! Not only is it parents not teaching it to others, but most of us come to “accept it.” Or worse yet, we shrug our shoulders and say, “What can you do? That rude child is not mine and berating that child’s parent is pointless anyway.”

Here’s what I would have done if I was on that plane with the little princess: After the flight attendant was done cleaning up after the child, I would have said to the attendant — in a LOUD VOICE (afterall, airplanes are SO NOISY! ) — “THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CLEANING UP AFTER OTHER PEOPLE’S MESSES!!! YOUR PROFESSION ISN’T EASY, BUT YOUR PERSONAL PROFESSIONALISM IS OUTSTANDING and *MUCH* APPRECIATED!!”

Maybe the lesson will still be lost on the rude child and parent. BUT, you will have acknowledge — and corrected — in a very positive manner, a social “injustice.” (That is, if you believe that rudeness is indeed a sign of societal offense.)

At least, that’s my take on it.

Remember, one person CAN make a difference!
.-= Paul´s last blog ..To better (warmer) days… =-.
http://mini-e-and-me.blogspot.com/ Paul

I’d run out of fingers and toes if I tried to count the times I’ve seen such incidents of rude children — and even “clueless parents.” And ITA with WillBinMN: This rudeness goes way beyond kids and parents. But, for me, this post points out WHY “rudeness” seems to have become the norm in our society!! Not only is it parents not teaching it to others, but most of us come to “accept it.” Or worse yet, we shrug our shoulders and say, “What can you do? That rude child is not mine and berating that child’s parent is pointless anyway.”

Here’s what I would have done if I was on that plane with the little princess: After the flight attendant was done cleaning up after the child, I would have said to the attendant — in a LOUD VOICE (afterall, airplanes are SO NOISY! ) — “THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CLEANING UP AFTER OTHER PEOPLE’S MESSES!!! YOUR PROFESSION ISN’T EASY, BUT YOUR PERSONAL PROFESSIONALISM IS OUTSTANDING and *MUCH* APPRECIATED!!”

Maybe the lesson will still be lost on the rude child and parent. BUT, you will have acknowledge — and corrected — in a very positive manner, a social “injustice.” (That is, if you believe that rudeness is indeed a sign of societal offense.)

At least, that’s my take on it.

Remember, one person CAN make a difference!
.-= Paul´s last blog ..To better (warmer) days… =-.
Rosita

I do find this it true that manners seem to be on the decline. However I think this is often because the good manners are not modelled by the parents.

My recent experience with air travel is slightly different. We travelled from the US to Africa, and our children were very well behaved. (They were so excited about all the tv choices on the trans-Atlantic flight.) However, we were only able to sit by them to monitor them because other passengers were willing to switch seats. It seems that airlines don’t think it is necessary to sit families together anymore. With 3 boys under the age of 5, my husband and I had a slightly different view of this, and thankfully the other passengers did as well.
Rosita

I do find this it true that manners seem to be on the decline. However I think this is often because the good manners are not modelled by the parents.

My recent experience with air travel is slightly different. We travelled from the US to Africa, and our children were very well behaved. (They were so excited about all the tv choices on the trans-Atlantic flight.) However, we were only able to sit by them to monitor them because other passengers were willing to switch seats. It seems that airlines don’t think it is necessary to sit families together anymore. With 3 boys under the age of 5, my husband and I had a slightly different view of this, and thankfully the other passengers did as well.
http://supermomplace.com/ Supermomplace

@Paul, That is so true everyone got into the mentality “its not my job” and the easier way is to shut up. When I was growing anyone around the neighborhood could straight you up if you get outta line. and My parents would thank the other parents. Now if you stick your nose in something like that I wouldn’t be surprise if the parent would side up with the kids and told you to stay outta it! so that gives the kid power to do whatever he/she wants!

we all need to just go back to basics! pop those legs!
.-= Supermomplace´s last blog ..I hate changing diapers =-.
http://supermomplace.com/ Supermomplace

@Paul, That is so true everyone got into the mentality “its not my job” and the easier way is to shut up. When I was growing anyone around the neighborhood could straight you up if you get outta line. and My parents would thank the other parents. Now if you stick your nose in something like that I wouldn’t be surprise if the parent would side up with the kids and told you to stay outta it! so that gives the kid power to do whatever he/she wants!

we all need to just go back to basics! pop those legs!
.-= Supermomplace´s last blog ..I hate changing diapers =-.
http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

I hear you about airplanes. As a father I am very tolerant of children on a plane. I understand that it can be very hard. However that tolerance is limited in scope to parents who try to help guide their children.

In November I spent 5.5 hours sitting in front of two children who couldn’t stop fighting over a toy. Their father sat next to them and said nothing. Confession time: I didn’t have to step on his foot on the way to the bathroom, but since he couldn’t “see” his kids fighting I couldn’t “see” his foot either.
.-= Jack´s last blog ..The People You Love Most =-.
http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ Jack

I hear you about airplanes. As a father I am very tolerant of children on a plane. I understand that it can be very hard. However that tolerance is limited in scope to parents who try to help guide their children.

In November I spent 5.5 hours sitting in front of two children who couldn’t stop fighting over a toy. Their father sat next to them and said nothing. Confession time: I didn’t have to step on his foot on the way to the bathroom, but since he couldn’t “see” his kids fighting I couldn’t “see” his foot either.
.-= Jack´s last blog ..The People You Love Most =-.
http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

That is atrocious behavior by both the children and the parents. If my child ever acted like that he wouldn’t go out in public with us. He is well behaved when we are eating out, but my wife and I are diligent about policing the area around him. The staff of the establishment shouldn’t have to clean up after my child if he makes a terrible mess. I wish more people would use their brains.
.-= PJ Mullen´s last blog ..DROP. YOUR. SWORD. =-.
http://www.realmendriveminivans.com PJ Mullen

That is atrocious behavior by both the children and the parents. If my child ever acted like that he wouldn’t go out in public with us. He is well behaved when we are eating out, but my wife and I are diligent about policing the area around him. The staff of the establishment shouldn’t have to clean up after my child if he makes a terrible mess. I wish more people would use their brains.
.-= PJ Mullen´s last blog ..DROP. YOUR. SWORD. =-.
Almostthere

Seeee. I got instantly heated reading this. I WISH I would’ve have acted like that anywhere with my parents around. I couldn’t even shrug my shoulders at my parents let alone ran around all willy nilly like I didn’t have any sense. I don’t even blame the children though, parents need to correct their kids’ behavior…the children are only doing what their parents let them do.
Almostthere

Seeee. I got instantly heated reading this. I WISH I would’ve have acted like that anywhere with my parents around. I couldn’t even shrug my shoulders at my parents let alone ran around all willy nilly like I didn’t have any sense. I don’t even blame the children though, parents need to correct their kids’ behavior…the children are only doing what their parents let them do.
http://marlieandmommy.blogspot.com Teresha@ Marlie and Me

This trend really bothers me. I don’t know what the problem is…lazy parenting, parents who are overworked, parents who want to be their child’s friend? A part of me feels that some of these parents, who themselves were raised in very disciplinary homes, swing the pendulum to the opposite extreme when it comes to their own kids.
.-= Teresha@ Marlie and Me´s last blog ..Weird Word Thursday: Vol. 8 =-.
http://marlieandmommy.blogspot.com Teresha@ Marlie and Me

This trend really bothers me. I don’t know what the problem is…lazy parenting, parents who are overworked, parents who want to be their child’s friend? A part of me feels that some of these parents, who themselves were raised in very disciplinary homes, swing the pendulum to the opposite extreme when it comes to their own kids.
.-= Teresha@ Marlie and Me´s last blog ..Weird Word Thursday: Vol. 8 =-.
http://kristieslist.blogspot.com Kristie

Well, I am not a parent, but I do know these types of situations annoy me!
.-= Kristie´s last blog ..New Instant Wins From Doritos, Silk, Dole and More! =-.
http://kristieslist.blogspot.com Kristie

Well, I am not a parent, but I do know these types of situations annoy me!
.-= Kristie´s last blog ..New Instant Wins From Doritos, Silk, Dole and More! =-.
Fran Oriordan

I taught high school for 4 years…and manners are foreign to many kids- it is a total breakdown on the part of the parents!
Fran Oriordan

I taught high school for 4 years…and manners are foreign to many kids- it is a total breakdown on the part of the parents!
http://eternallizdom.blogspot.com Eternal Lizdom

W OOO W!!! I cannot imagine ever being “that kind” of parent! Those stories are just jaw dropping!!
.-= Eternal Lizdom´s last blog ..A Healthier Me- Updated! =-.
http://eternallizdom.blogspot.com Eternal Lizdom

W OOO W!!! I cannot imagine ever being “that kind” of parent! Those stories are just jaw dropping!!
.-= Eternal Lizdom´s last blog ..A Healthier Me- Updated! =-.
http://pungeon.blogspot.com LS

““It’s not nice to hit, honey.” She reached into her purse, gave the kid a snack and continued reading her magazine.”

Rewarding bad behaviour ensures more of the same.
http://pungeon.blogspot.com LS

““It’s not nice to hit, honey.” She reached into her purse, gave the kid a snack and continued reading her magazine.”

Rewarding bad behaviour ensures more of the same.
Cher

Manners are not just about being gracious and learning how to love others they are a fundamental component of a moral life–do unto others as you would have them do unto you!
Cher

Manners are not just about being gracious and learning how to love others they are a fundamental component of a moral life–do unto others as you would have them do unto you!
Sheaiden

I am an employee of a travel company, and as such, I go on many flights with my wife and my 3 year old daughter. I have always been amused at the responses of other passengers to my management of her behavior. The approving responses used to confuse me; they seem a little too forceful, a little too enthusiastic. I really didn’t understand that many people don’t teach manners to their kids till a flight where I noticed a mother and father calmly ignoring their son, while he meticulously tapped a rhythm on the seat in front of him, even after the person in front very politely asked for it to stop. My daughter actually asked me why the boy was being mean to the person in front of him!

The responses I’ve never understood are the disapproving ones. I’ve had people tell me I’ve been too harsh on her, too strict, telling me “She’s only a child!” I usually ask them if they’d like to sit in front of her and explicitly give permission to tap the seat (I’ve not taught my daughter to “never hit the seat”, I’ve taught her that hitting the seat hurts the person in front of her, and so when there is no one, I allow her. She usually follows the rules on her own now); oddly enough they never seem to want to take me up on it.

I have to admit though, there was one occasion where I failed at my job: I got…politely reprimanded by a passenger who was being kicked by my daughter, after the tray went down and I couldn’t see her feet. It was apparent to me that this person was used to the non-caring attitude of parents, so I dismissed her brusqueness, thanked her for bringing it to my attention, asked my daughter to apologize, apologized myself, and got her to stop. That lady actually turned to us after the flight, thanked my daughter, and complimented me on how I was raising her.

It made me wonder, is it so hard to teach respect for others?