Since she was a toddler, my daughter Nee has shown a natural aptitude for language. She started reading when she was three years old and has developed into a talented writer and speller.
All of her life, relatives have praised her intelligence. They often tell her things like, “You’re such a smart girl” or “You got all As because you’re so smart.”
Apparently this type of praise has been dangerous. According to a Columbia University study conducted by psychologist Carol Dweck, praising a child for her intelligence does more harm than good.
Based on Nee’s behavior, I tend to agree.
In a paper titled, “The Secret to Raising Smart Kids,” Dweck wrote:
Our society worships talent, and many people assume that possessing superior intelligence or ability—along with confidence in that ability—is a recipe for success. In fact, however, more than 30 years of scientific investigation suggests that an overemphasis on intellect or talent leaves people vulnerable to failure, fearful of challenges and unwilling to remedy their shortcomings.
When we praise children for their intelligence, we inadvertently send the wrong message: Look smart, don’t risk making mistakes.
Nee is often stifled by fear of making mistakes. If something is difficult, she becomes frustrated and immediately gives up. She never wants to be perceived as unintelligent; therefore, she would rather avoid a task than to fail at it. In her mind failure = dumb.
This study has made me rethink my parenting style. But change is not easy and I often lapse into my old behavior. A few days ago, Nee handed me a piece of paper and then ran away.
“Nee,” I said. “Come back here. What is this?”
“It’s my math test,” she said. I opened the paper to discover she had earned an 88.
“You got a B, honey,” I said. “Why didn’t you want to show this to me?”
“Because you always say that I’m too smart to earn Bs,” she said demurely. “And you get mad at me.”
Ouch! I was convicted. Not only was I placing undue pressure on her, but I was also fueling her fear of failure.
Now I understand that I need to praise her whenever she works hard and pushes through the difficult times instead of giving up. I’d much prefer Nee to take risks and make a few mistakes than to rest on her laurels.
I want people to see my daughter as more than just a smart girl. I want her to be known as someone isn’t afraid to try.
Stay Strong,
Question: Do you agree or disagree with the premise of this study?
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That is an interesting study. Instilling the notion that it is okay to fail at something if you give it your best might seem like a foreign concept, but it makes all the sense in the world. I’ve failed more times than I can count, and I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person. The fact is I’ve learned from my mistakes and know what I would do differently if presented with similar challenges. I’m not a big fan of baseball, but if you think of batting averages, a hitter is considered successful if they connect on 1 out of every 3 at bats.
PJ Mullen´s last blog ..Where we’re going we don’t need roads
Dang……*raising my hand* I am guilty and I have noticed this in my son who is super super smart. We used basketball as a means to break him of his fear of failure. He learned that he has to try for his team to be successful. He also learned that winning isnt everything because sometimes they may not have won but he scored or improved a skill or made a great defensive move. It has been a process but I may have to also change my words of praise into words of encouraging the best.
I really recommend reading “NurtureShock.” The first chapter is “The Inverse Power of Praise.” I’ve been working hard with my kids and with all kids to be sure to praise the process and not so much the outcome or talent.
Great book- highly recommend it and would love to hear your thoughts on the other chapters, too. Chapters about how we parent in regards to race… the importance of sleep… teen rebellion… learning language…
Eternal Lizdom´s last blog ..The Life of Lizdom – Part 1
word!
praise for trying will result in learning from mistakes and not to fear failure.
too often we praise the ‘great’ results, no wonder some people don’t want to try – assuming failure from the work go, so why even try, right?hmmm
Phillip Gibb´s last blog ..Violence in Christian Film
Hooray for dads who learn this early! Growing up I was also the “smart girl” who was really good at language things…but I wasn’t fabulous at math. In fact, I really struggled with it. But because I did so well in other subjects, my parents didn’t see any reason I couldn’t be a straight-A honors student in math.
I think children get caught in kind of a conundrum with this, too. On the one hand, the adults around you see you as “smart” and praise you for it. You want their respect, so you’re terrified of disappointing them. On the other hand, all your classmates see you as “smart,” and while you may not necessarily not want them to think of you that way, you don’t want that to be your whole identity, and sometimes it might feel like it is.
I’m so glad some parents are beginning to recognize that constant praise can mean pressure as well.
I totally agree! Like many others have said constant praise can cause a person to feel under pressure to constantly succeed. If they fail they tend to beat themselves up more than the people they think they might disappoint.
I was that child and I am that adult. Now is the time to reprogram my way of thinking so I don’t pass this onto my boys.
Great post!
Andrea´s last blog ..Red Pump Project 2010
Unfortunately, this is the story of my life. I grew up the same way and avoided trying new things out of fear of failure. I have recently been trying to get over that by trying new things that I deliberately know I won’t be good at (i.e. dancing) and trying to accept that and just have fun. Of course, it took me 40+ years to get to that point.
I’ve read that kids are so overpraised nowadays that when they get out in the real world – which doesn’t fawn all over them, they are stunned and cannot function. Not surprising.
carma´s last blog ..I’m Bummed.
I totally agree that praising effort is more important than praising results. Perfectism is a trait when learned young in life can have devastating effects for a lifetime unless action is taken to change that way of thinking. Been there, done that. When an adult said, “do your best,” and my best was an A+ in one area, I heard that my best meant being the best in all areas. Adults need to be sure that they back up their words with their actions. When an A is praised with a smile that reaches the eyes and a B is praised with sympathy or disappointment in those very same eyes, the message being sent is not positive. Actions speak louder than words.
On a related note, when a child is tall for his or her age, adults often speak without thinking when they say, “Aren’t you a big boy/girl? Wow, you’ve gotten so big.” Big doesn’t equal tall in the mind of a child. Big equals fat. Eating disorders often start with unintended and thoughtless throw-away remarks.
Cheryl´s last blog ..Time Stands Still
Terrific post. It really gives me something to think about. I was always the smartest in my class and the Valedictorian in high school. Yet much of my life I have dealt with a fear of failure or a fear of looking stupid which leads to withdrawal sometimes. I guess I never really made the connection you are making here. I will keep that in mind while rasing my son. I already know I don’t want him to think he has to be perfect all the time to please me. That never leads to anything good.
Otter´s last blog ..Cousins By Blood, Friends By Choice (I hope)
I don’t have kid’s yet and I have never really thought about that! It does make sense to me now that you explained how your daughter is when she doesn’t get perfect scores! A “B” is a good grade so she did great! Thanks for sharing this subject!
Natalie A.´s last blog ..Me Time: Positive Day- Positive Night CD Review + Giveaway
It seems like such obvious the advice in hindsight, doesn’t it?
. I read something to that effect a little while ago myself, and I felt dumb for how silly I had been for falling into the trap of saying how smart the boys were (which, like you say, completely misses the point). I was always told how stupid I was when I was growing up. It made me overcompensate by doing the exact opposite with my boys, never wanting them to feel unloved. What I didn’t realize is that smartness really isn’t the point because that’s not something we can control (like horsepower in the car). It’s more important to praise the improvement and the effort. I believe I read what you’re talking about in Nurturshock (Po Bronson), but I can’t really remember. It’s an excellent book if you haven’t read it yet.
Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Extreme Dog Houses
What a great post! It’s sad but alot of times it isn’t until we get older that we learn the value of our mistakes. I’ve tried to teach my kids that how they handle adversity is going to be just as important as their intelligence. It is hard though because we are a society that IMO tends to be judgemental when it comes to mistakes.
I don’t think telling a kid that they are smart is wrong, but I think that telling them they are smart when the praise should bring attention to their hard work is where we sometimes falter.
As a former “she’s so smart” kid, I can relate to her insecurities. But I also know that being told you are smart, like any complement, is nice in the right measure, and can find a place with the well-deserved praise for a job well-done, which encourage us to work hard, rather than sit on the laurels of our intelligence.
Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels´s last blog ..High Fashion, Low Price: Jean Paul Gaultier for Target
I was all set to disagree with this study, but then I really started thinking about it. And I think the study is correct.
I was a smart kid in school but I was TERRIFIED of failing or bringing home a B to my parents. I never took risks and I gave up easily when something did come to me naturally and easily. My son is only 2 but I’m definitely going to keep this in mind in the future.
Thanks for this post. Genuinely interesting stuff.
Daddy Files´s last blog ..Bar Babies
I have a 10 month old at home, and lately I’ve been collecting wise parenting advice for when we come up to those challenges we all face as parents. I totally see how this type of praise can hinder a child…I guess my question is are we supposed to act ambivalent when they do something great?
We can’t tell them they are pretty because it may make them have image issues, now we can’t tell them their smart because of too much pressure…I think I’m just going to have to give my daughter High-5s all the time without making direct eye contact so as not to cause undue stress.
In terms of anxiety, what about us as parents? I’m in constant fear that I am going to say or do something that will scar her for life…Great post.
Doug @ Daddy’s Tired´s last blog ..What the!?!? It’s 2010…Where have I been?
Great post. I read about this in Nurture Shock too. Pick it up if you have a chance. Lot’s more like this to challenge our parenting “intuition”.
it is important to teach children how to fail and how to lose. At least I think that it is part of providing them with coping skills that will serve them well in life. The trick is to try and do so in a manner that doesn’t destroy their self esteem.
We all fail sometimes. We all lose. But if you never understand this it becomes much harder to deal with.I like Edison’s quotes about failure
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
“Many of life’s failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
Jack´s last blog ..The Daddy Blogger Community
Yeah this resonates with me and speak to how we have tried to encourage our kids to try and succeed or fail remark on the effort. I look forward to checking out the book Nurtureshock, this is the third time in the last week that book has come up.
SAHD PDX´s last blog ..For the first course
I agree! As a parent I keep in mind that I’m raising unique individuals who has to function within a complex world. We talk & listen to each other as a family. Then at the right time & place we have one on one discussions about every topic under the sun. Our goal individually & as a whole is growth. We accomplish that by being supportive, talking about our mistakes & trying our best to learn from each other.
I wasn’t sure I agreed with this at first until I really gave it some thought. I realize I was like that up until about 3 years ago and I’m sixty years old! I was terrified to try new things because I intensely disliked failure. It wasn’t until I spend quite a bit of time learning to love myself just the way I am, that I realized it was okay to risk and fail, if necessary. Yet I don’t consider it failure when you give it a try. I try to let my grandchildren know that they are loved and perfect as far as I’m concerned, merely by virtue of the fact that they exist. So that’s my take on it. Thanks for letting me share.
You raise some really great topics on your blog. It’s really late, but I will definitely be coming back to read more! It’s always good to get a male’s perspective on parenting!!
Chocolate Mom´s last blog ..Maddy and her NYSSMA
Very interesting and well written post. I have learned a lot from coming up short. I have noticed in my 3yr old that she is often afraid to attempt a new task. Teaching them to overcome that hurdle is a challenge in itself. NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman is worth checking out. It covers many of these studies and digs into our thinking about parenting.
edathomedad´s last blog ..Finding your Manhood through Fatherhood
This is a great post and interesting study. I’m so glad that you made me and other parents aware of this. No one would have ever thought that such praise could possibly lead to this but I can easily see how it does. This is so great and I’m going to share this with everyone I know.
I totally agree with the philosophy that you should not over praise kids for their intelligence. I have seen how this can backfire with my own daughter!
i can definitely relate to this..my parents told me the same things growing up, and now i’m in college and for the past four years have put ridiculous pressure on myself for my grades and always feel guilty when i earn a bad grade. I think I actually put more pressure on myself than my parents do; this is definitely something that parents need to be aware of. I know my parents meant well, but now I’m a perfectionist and am just learning how to take my mistakes in stride.
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I read similar things in Alfie Kohn’s book on Unconditional Parenting and also blogged about how challenging it would be to change such core behaviours (in myself) but I definitely think that it’s worth it. I was always told by people how smart I was and I always resented it because it severely underestimated the amount of work I put into my tests/assignments. I always said, I wasn’t smart, I was driven, mostly by fear. My daughter is only just turning two. But I hope that I can make enough changes so that she will be interested to try new things and not reach the conclusion that I love her more when she performs better.
Zoey @ Good Goog´s last blog ..Stop Crying Your Heart Out
Couldn’t agree more with the study. Great book to read called “How We Decide” — the way the brain works best and adapts and learns is to make mistakes. We must encourage our children to not be afraid to fail while working hard and taking risks. The proof is in the challenge, not the coddling. Easier said than done and I know we’ll have out work cut out for us with Bea and our second coming soon.
Kevin W. Grossman´s last blog ..And in the space between me and Bea, there is none.
I agree. If I look back at my friends and aquaintances, it seems like the ones that had all of the “advantages” in life, ie living in an affluent neighborhood, material comforts, indulgent parents, etc appear to have less satisfying lives than those who had to scrape their way and carve their niche in the world. The fear of failure can be crippling and may hinder people from taking risks that yield the greatest rewards.
I know I’m way late to the party for this one. But that is very interesting. I’m going to have to check deeper into this one to see how things are at our house. Thanks for the post (even if I did read it a month after the fact).
Que´s last blog ..Negotiating with an 11-year old
I completely agree. Always pay special attention to how much they STUDY and compliment them on their work ethic instead of being smart. If kids draw the conclusion that talents come from hard work, they will continue to grow for the rest of their lives!
Bryan
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