Repost: I Married a Hooker

Mocha Dad's Family Christmas Tree

Warning: This blog post contains graphic descriptions of hookers, carriers, and hangers

Our family has a Christmas tradition of decorating the tree together. This year we were especially excited about it because it was the baby’s first Christmas and our first Christmas in our new house.

My first task was to purchase a new Christmas tree. Eleven years of marriage and three moves had turned our tree into an artificial version of Charlie Brown’s tree. After spending a whole day searching for the perfect tree with four children (we had an extra one in tow), our quest finally ended at Wal-Mart. When I got the tree home, my wife, KayEm, began installation. We used to build the tree together, but I was sick one year and KayEm realized that she could complete the task quicker by herself, thus starting a new tradition of excluding Daddy from Christmas tree installation.

The instruction sheet for the new tree explained that it could be installed in three easy steps. Twenty difficult steps and an hour later, the tree was finally complete.

The next day, we gathered the family to begin decorating. KayEm wanted a silver and blue theme for the tree so she bought some lovely glass ornaments. We laid the ornaments on the table and developed an efficient decorating assembly line. My wife placed the hooks on the ornaments, the kids carried them to me, and I hung them on the tree.

My son, N, was so happy that everyone had their own tasks, that he had to label each one. “Daddy is the hanger,” he said. “Nee and I are the carriers and Mommy is the hooker,” My wife and I immediately looked at each other with horror.

“Son, let’s try another name for Mommy,” I said. “Hooker is not a good name.”

“Why not?” asked my daughter. “What’s wrong with hooker?”

“It’s not nice to call a woman a hooker,” she explained. “Let’s just leave it at that.”

They both seemed satisfied with that answer and continued with their assigned decorating tasks. We dodged one bullet, but more were on the way.

As the children carried the ornaments to the tree, KayEm kept reminding them to be careful because they were glass. Before the words were out of her mouth, CRASH! N, dropped an ornament on the tile. We quickly cleaned up and completed the ornament phase. Next up was the garland phase. KayEm bought some elegant glass garland to replace the gold fuzzy stuff we had. I removed it from the box and immediately dropped it. CRASH! Once again we sweep up the glass and resume decorating.

KayEm decided to wrap some white ribbon around the tree since the garland had met an early fate. She started wrapping the ribbon around the top of the tree. CRASH! Another ornament lost. She resumed and CRASH! Another one bites the dust. By the time she reached the bottom of the tree, four more ornaments had met their maker.

And to think, I placed the ornaments out of the one year-old’s reach so he wouldn’t break them.

This year, my family learned three valuable lessons about holiday decorating:

1. Nothing is installed in three easy steps

2. Place hooks on ornaments beforehand to eliminate the need for a hooker

3. Don’t use glass ornaments

Stay strong,

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Tagged as: holiday, report