“But we can still date, she says, like this is supposed to cushion the blow. I mean, I got married so I could stop dating, so I don’t see where ‘we can still date’ is a big incentive, since the last thing you want to do is date your wife…”– Billy Crystal as Harry Burns from “When Harry Met Sally”
“When Harry Met Sally” is one of my favorite movies. I’ve seen it dozens of times and can quote nearly every line. However, this particular quote never resonated with me until I got married. During my last viewing of the film, Harry’s words, “…the last thing you want to do is date your wife,” hung over my head like one of those comic strip thought balloons.
If you haven’t seen the movie, you need more context to understand why Harry made this statement. He had just discovered that his wife was moving out and she offered to keep dating as an olive branch. Obviously, Harry spoke these words out of pain and anger. But the sad fact is that there are many men who feel as if they no longer need to date their wives.
I’ve heard many guys at work grumble and complain about their wives’ wanting to go on periodic dates. One guy even told me, “I’m married to her. What more does she want?” How about a little romance? Or maybe, just some time to recapture the thrill and excitement of your first date.
I remember my first date with KayEm. I met her in our college newspaper’s office where we worked. We immediately developed a close friendship; however, she was dating another guy. When they broke up, I decided to make my move and give her a call.
My roommate must have thought I was crazy as I paced the apartment practicing what I would say in my best Barry White voice. I dialed her number and hung up the phone about five times before allowing her to answer. I felt like a nervous teenager complete with a stammer and cracking voice. After a few minutes of small-talk, we warmed up to each other and the conversation flowed. That night, I went without sleep savoring our tête-à-tête and formulating ways to spend time with her.
A book reading offered me my first opportunity. She had to attend it for a creative writing class. I had to attend it to be with her. The author spent the night pontificating on the virtues of cats. If not for my wanting to impress KayEm, I would have ditched cat-woman soon after her anecdote about her cat and a woodpecker.
After the reading, KayEm invited me back to her apartment to watch “Seinfeld.” Although this was not the most romantic way to end a date, it fit the mood. I wanted so much to kiss her, to hold her; however, the time wasn’t right. So I curbed my urges and bid her adieu at the end of the night. A few weeks later, our lips finally met. If Benjamin Franklin were alive, he could have flown a kite over our heads and discovered electricity again. From that moment, we were inseparable; happily ensconced in our couplehood.
I strive to keep the excitement and anticipation of that first date alive in our marriage. Although we’ve had our ups and down, we have finally hit our stride and are comfortably satisfied in our relationship. One thing that has contributed to our marital success is our periodic date nights.
I thought we were doing pretty good by going out on dates once a month, until I read an article in the New York Time titled “The Obama’s Marriage.” The articles details the difficulties of maintaining a marriage in the White House and what the Obama’s to do remain connected as a couple.
The Obama date-night tradition stretches back to the days when the president spent half his time in Springfield, Ill., reuniting at week’s close with his wife, who kept a regular Friday manicure and hair appointment for the occasion. Kantor, Judi. (October 26, 2009) “The Obama’s Marriage.” The New York Times Retrieved October 30, 2009)
If the leader of the free world can schedule a weekly date with his wife, surely I can carve out more time to connect with mine.
I encourage all men to continue courting your wives. Plan dates with her and make a commitment and a promise to that you’ll be there. Put it on the calendar and think of it as an obligation just as important as any other appointment. You’ll not only have a happier spouse, but you will also develop a deeper, more intimate relationship.
Stay Strong,
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I’d love a weekly date night….but with young kids 7 and 3 a full time job and a personal business does not seem possible. My wife says maybe its not our season. I hope that season is coming soon.
As a newly engaged women who has never been married before this is very inspiring. I’ve had co workers tell me that what we have now will fade as time goes on and the “dust” settles. I feel like what we have is exciting now because we make it exciting and the same will be true for us in the future. If the “dust” settles it’s because we have allowed it to.
P.S. Love your blog!
You are SO right. There is such a need to keep that connection, even more so once children come into the picture. I won’t say the lack of this is what ended my marriage, because there’s SO much more to it, but that lack of connection certainly played its part.
The problem with knocking a girl’s socks off early in the courtship with “magical” extravagant dates is you need to keep up that level of effort throughout the relationship. So go easy in the beginning, otherwise all you hear is “How come you don’t rent out a whole restaurant just for us anymore?” or “You never fly me to the Bahamas for the weekend anymore!”
This was such a sweet post. The love you feel for KayEm is just oozing from you and I DIG that! I know too many guys like the ones you mentioned…ones that act like they did their wives a favor by marrying them. Just sad. Glad to know there are fantastic marriages out there like yours! Keep it up so the jaded folks can stay inspired!
While we probably only get out without the kid once a month ourselves, I plan a lot of special dinners at home that fall outside the normal “let’s just cook something to get dinner on the table” nights. I know, for my wife anyway, it is the little things like that matter most.
BTW, digging the new theme. How do you like Thesis?
I understand your premise, but I disagree with your final conclusion.
Dating was awful. I’m with Billy Crystal here. In fact, I decided to marry my wife because being with her didn’t feel like dating. It just felt like life. In fact, our first date was such that we left dinner to go tend to her brother whose car had broken down. Then I inadvertently ended up referencing the size of said brother’s manhood…don’t ask, it’s a long story.
But now we have kids. And a suffocating mortgage. So our “dating” consists of the one night of week my parents take our son overnight, at which point we collapse on the couch and relish being able to pass out without changing diapers or chasing after an 18-month-old.
The flame of our passion is still lit, but it’s an ember instead of a bonfire. And sure, once in a while we fan the flames but for the most part I don’t want to date my wife. I want to be married to my wife.
“Don’t ‘F’ With Mr. Zero”
I agree.. If the president can go out on dates.. I should be to as well…
But the President doesn’t have three babies under 4.
Be honest. How many of you joke around with your wife “But dear, haven’t we just been on one, continuous date?”
Seriously though, I do think its important to put some planning and pre-thought into taking your wife out on a date . . .
MD – you’re so romantic and I so agree. It’s just so hard with so much going on. That was a lot of “sos” wasn’t it. It’s all about finding that happy medium and striking a balance. I find that getting back to the basics can sometimes be the most straight path to romance.
I will underscore this post by saying in my first marriage we did not date after the wedding. I’m not inferring that this caused it to fail, but not having the time certainly corroded the intimacy. In my marriage now, we go on dates every chance we get and there’s a difference.
Great story. I love reading the “How we met posts.”
Love the new look and I so agree with this post. And may I add it’s up to both parties to make dates. The wives need to do their part to come up with the date as well. Anytime away from the home life with some one on one date time with my hubs is always in order. I give this post 2 thumbs up. LOVE IT!!!!!
Date nights are important, and my wife wants them just as much as I do. Of course, we spend the first fifteen minutes of the date marveling at the sound of…nothing. I don’t know which one of us is more surprised when we make it to the end of a sentence without being interrupted. We feel awkward in a restaurant when we eat without having to tell someone to sit up straight in their chair, get out from under the table, stop playing with the salt and pepper, “Don’t blow bubbles in your milk or you’ll lose the straw,” and “Use a fork, for Heaven’s sake, you’re in public!” I’ve been tempted to scold other people’s children just to feel normal. When we eventually return home, we are grateful if there are three children in the house (not necessarily the same three as when we left) and there are no emergency room bills. I know. High standards.
Sweet. And I get the ultimate point (that I’m nost sure everyone does) – make sure your wife still feels like the woman you wooed and had to have and had to see and had to marry. Everyone is different so don’t let excuses stop you – do whatever you can to make her feel like that woman you first met (instead of just her new titles of wife and mommy).
I couldn’t agree more. Dating a spouse is such a good idea because it helps the couple reconnect. If you don’t take the time to romance each other and the romance dies, then it becomes a mockery of a marriage. I love knowing my husband would take the time to “date” me again and that he’d marry me all over again. It warms the heart and soul.
I look forward to me and my husband’s weekly date night. We started it before we got married and we’re committed to spending that time together each week outside of our home. Sometimes its just a trip to the local IHOP and sometimes its a concert. We even dress up for each other. Its really nice and I hope we can continue to do this.
I agree with the fact that dates are important in a marriage. Call it what you want- a date, dinner, time alone, but all in all it is important time that allows for you and your wife to reconnect; to make each other feel special in the eyes of the other. So, great post MD. -Jason
I love, love, love, Harry met Sally. I watch it at least once a month. Drives the boyfriend nuts. That’s all I can say about your topic since I’m unmarried and childless.
Yep. True story. Men need to strive to keep it fresh just as much as we do. I may just “accidentally” leave this post open on our desktop!
) Thanks for the reminders…
My best, Lynn
I just read those last few lines to my hubs….THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!
this is why we need blogging dad. we get YOUR opinion…
stay strong and keep blogging
I totally agree with this. And I’m with PJ: even if you can’t get out of the house and away from the kids completely for a date night, it is indeed possible to create a special evening that doesn’t seem like a normal night at home. It takes effort to keep a marriage strong, and I think that date nights (in any incarnation) are an important part of that.
Agreed. We’ve had regular dates nights since we met; the regular dates and emotional/physical intimacy are vital for couples to keep the lovin’ stoked. Really. It’s always been a priority to us. Even after we had Bea we worked to keep the lovin’ on track.
That is work well worth the return. If you don’t think so, you’re in the wrong “profession”.
(When Harry Met Sally one of our favs, too)
Kudos to you! My husband and I don’t go on dates nearly that often (unless you consider NU football?). We’ve got too much going on, especially with him doing PA announcing and coaching in the evenings. But yeah… we need to do better. Thanks for the reminder. And good luck with your weekly dates!
(Sorry I missed the October deadline!)
I agree with this post. Me and hubs used to have a date weekly until the baby came along. Now we get one about once a month. It’s better than nothing but I miss the weekly dates. Dates are necessary for a healthy marriage!
“I’m married to her. What more does she want?” Ouch! Glad I’m not married to your co-worker! Thanks for doing your part to explain to guys why keeping the romance alive is so important. It means the word to a woman when her husband makes the effort.
Dates are a must!
I get the message … and it’s a good one … but for me the best part of this post is learning that you’re the kind of guy who’s not afraid to admit to liking “When Harry met Sally” … I thought that was a great movie.
And yes, when I get home next spring I will definitely schedule some regular dates with my wife … thanks for the inspiration.
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