My 8-year-old daughter, Nee, will be starting a new school next fall and I think she’s feeling a bit anxious.
“I don’t want to be the new girl,” she said as she sat drawing at the kitchen table.
This statement was not usual because Nee is extremely shy and doesn’t make friends easily. Of course, my wife, K, hates the fact that Nee is not a chatty-Cathy. Her sole purpose in life is to make Nee more social.
“Everyone is always curious about the new girl,” K told Nee. “All of the kids will want to meet you and find out about you.” Nee looked at her with horror and continued drawing. What K failed to realize is that being the center of attention not something Nee is comfortable with.
But K would not be denied. She decided to teach Nee how to make friends by role playing.
“I don’t want to do this,” said Nee.
“C’mon,” said K. “It’ll be fun.”
Realizing that her mom would not leave her alone until she played along, Nee reluctantly agreed.
“I’ll be one of the girls in class,” said K. “And you just be yourself.”
“Hello,” K said extending her hand to Nee. “My name is K.”
“My name is Nee,” Nee crossed her arms, refusing to shake hands. “Now go away!”
K was flabbergasted. I thought Nee’s response was pretty funny.
“Nee,” K said. “I know it’s hard for you to make new friends, but I can help you.”
Nee returned to her drawing hoping her mother would leave her alone.
“You always say you can’t think of anything to say to people. I can help you, even your brother, N, can help you.”
Nee stopped drawing for a minute and stared at her mother.
“You and N are talkers,” she said. “I’m more like, Daddy. We’re not talkers, and I’m O.K. with that.”
So am I.
Although K is troubled by Nee’s lack of social skills, I understand that these things don’t come naturally for everyone. Just like Nee, I was a shy child. It wasn’t until I was in college that I really came out of my shell. I’m still not a social butterfly like my wife and I doubt that I ever will be. Nor will Nee.
Nee’s confidence has been crushed by some mean girls at her previous school; therefore, she refuses to engage others to keep from getting hurt again. But K and I won’t allow that experience to prevent Nee from developing new friendships. Loving her, nurturing her, and rebuilding her self-confidence will be the keys to helping her to open her heart to others without fear.
Being the new girl will be tough for Nee, but we will guide her through it one day at a time.
Stay Strong,
Question: How do you help your children to be comfortable in social situations?
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m like you and Nee too, then. I can make friends easily if the other person is the chatty one!!
You’re a great Dad, Mocha Dad:) I always tell my kids stories of my own childhood situations, they love the ones when I was embarrassed about something. I think it makes them feel like they are not alone. I tell them times when I’ve made mistakes and got punk’d by some kid. I also tell them better ways I could have handled this or that situation. A lot of times they have similar stories and usually want to share them:)
I tell you one minute you’re a kid and the next thing you know your a parent! Sometimes I just want to disappear, put on the Fonz and play like I’m Pinky Tuskadero, listen to Groove Line and talk on the phone with no responsibilities or care in the world…….. Oh, got to go somebodies screaming mommy she hit me!!!!
Love and Peace
Ms. Wanda
My wife and I have a similar dilemma. My son is very popular. He loves to talk and be the center of attention. However, my daughter is the exact opposite. She does have her own unique personality. She has a great sense of humor. Though, it is a bit dry like my own.
Yet, everyone that knows the two of them expects her to be like her brother. When they realize she is not like her brother, then they think she is stuck up which naturally hurts her feelings.
But my wife and I are working on celebrating her uniqueness and getting her to realize that it is alright to be different from her brother.
I’m going to have the same problem when my son gets a little older. It is easy for me to comment on blogs because I have the time to think about what I’m going to say, but in real life I’m horrendous at small talk and always feel awkward in new social situations. I’m hoping he doesn’t get my introversion, but if he does its going to be tough for me to help him out. I agree that we have to celebrate our uniqueness and in time the kids at her new school will come to know and love Nee for who she is.
I feel for her. We moved around a couple of times when I was a kid and the first time was REALLY, really hard for me. Over time I became more outgoing but I know that doesn’t happen for everyone.
I think by being encouraging and celebrating her uniqueness you’re doing it right; I’d also toss in some advice to make sure she acts like “herself” rather than putting on another personality (does that make sense); people will like her for who she is and she doesn’t have to act differently to attract new friends. Best of luck to her! I know with parents like you two, she’ll be fine no matter what.
I was always the new girl and while I am not necessarily shy I am not a social butterfly and I prefer to not be bothered. The thing that got me through was my grandfather telling me that anyone that judged me or was mean to me simply was an idiot
… I Love my grandpa…… and didn’t deserve my time of day anyway. She sounds like she is a mature child which you could simply explain to her not everyone has home training, not everyone’s mommy and daddy care about teaching their children how to be a good human being and how to treat people but being the new kid has its pro’s and con’s. Tell her all the con’s get her used to what could and might possibly happen and guide her on how to handle them when they do so she can be prepared. Then I would go over the pro’s which it sounds like your wife did but also focus on the con’s to that way at the very least she can be prepared and go into it knowing how to react.
We are contimplating moving in the middle of the school year this coming school year…I am not looking forward to that either … I think more so than our kids because they seem to do well in new situations..shy at first but they adapt…I on the other hand am far more sensitive to how they are treated by their peers then they are. Being a parents is hard work indeed.
agree w/Melisa. the more your daughter feels pressured to be something she isn’t the more problems she will and you as parents will have down the line– much more devastating than the lack of so-called friends. friends, peer pressure is what drives girls to self harm, have pre-marital sex, do drugs b/f they are ready. so please help her to be comfortable in her own skin. you’ll be glad you did a few years from now. good luck!
You know what? She might not be the only “new” girl. And even if she is, I have a feeling there’s another girl in her school or class that’s been there a while and still doesn’t fit in.
As an introvert myself, I have realized that being shy means I’m thinking of myself and what others are thinking about me. Once I get “out” of myself, I’m much more comfortable. My advice for your little girl? To look for someone else who needs a friend. Someone quiet whom everyone else seems to overlook. Someone who would benefit from Nee’s sensitivity.
In any case, change is always difficult. I hope by the time school starts, with your help, Nee will look at it as a challenge and not with dread. Looking forward to the followup.
i was often the ‘new girl’ in school as my dad was in the military. whereas my brother was very popular and could make friends instantly, i was not and did not. as i got older, i didn’t see the need to try to be something i wasn’t to make friends. in time, things and people change. for me, all of a sudden i was having more friends, getting boyfriends (after never having any even when other girls did in elementary and some of jr high). i know you don’t want to know about the boyfriend thing lol my 12 yr old always seemed to have issues w a person or two at school because she REFUSES to act like them. but i would take my independent and unique leader over just being like everyone else. she has a couple of friends, but they are kind of like followers. her thing now is why no boy she has ever liked liked her back. :-/ i said one day there will be someone who likes her just for who she is. don’t rush it. i’m going to do a post in a day or two about girls and the things they do. oy! lol
My wife tells my girls to play the “shy game.” She tells them that everyone is shy with new people and that if they go up and say hi to someone they will help the other kids not be shy. It’s cute, but I don’t think they have ever actually pulled the shy trigger.
I am extremely social – I think you can tell by my tweets. However, I wasn’t always this way. When I found myself in new social situations I would be the quiet one, assess the situation and chose the people that I wanted to talk to at a later date. I am guessing your daughter is the same way and will find her comfort zone.
i was 8 when i moved to a new school. and i was super, duper shy. painfully shy. and on the playground, my first recess there…there was another brand new to the school girl there. and she was as shy as i was. i walked up to her. shyly. i told her my name. she told me hers. and we were best friends until she moved away in 6th grade.
let her know that after the first couple of days, she won’t be the new girl anymore!
she’ll be ok. it seems that she has some strong and loving parents at home to listen. what lucky kids!!
I have a shy daughter and a very outgoing son. I think it is always good to help build relationships with a couple of students before the year starts even if they do not end up being buddies. Before our last major move I enrolled my son in summer camp at the school where he would attend. The school also gave us a buddy family. I would request one if they do not. In addition, I did role playing with him on a very low key basis. Ummm in the words of Malia to her dad President Obama— “kids don’t shake hands”. Smile. I was a child therapist in a former life before becoming a full time momma and the convo may go more like this—- Nee says, “hi…I like your shirt”. Child, “thanks i got it at blah blah” Nee “oh cool i like that store too but my mom is so uncool she won’t let me get anything there”..Child “I knooooww my Dad bought this!” Smile at each other and then Nee can say “Hey my name is Nee what’s yours”…..etc….the point is that she is going to have to find something she likes (kind of like that walmart commercial where both girls have same cool pen and have an instant connection.
I just helped my teen niece who is visiting for a month do this yesterday via text. I textd her and said, “how is it going and she said the girls were cool…I textd back and said that the kids were sizing her up and she should go over and say, “hey I’m O from Virginia my aunt know’s D’s mom”. She did it and left 5 hours later really happy.
Good luck….
My littlest girl, Lila, is a social butterfly, but her older sis, Mari, age 10, could take it or leave it. She’s the quiet one—not because she’s shy, but because she refuses to be a part of something without first observing, thinking about it, and determining with a sound, reasonable, logical mind, if it’s something that she wants/needs/should do. Peer pressure ain’t got nuthin’ on my Mari, and I kinda like that. When she decides she wants to be someone’s friend, then she will be a TRUE friend. But only if she deems you worthy. This isn’t about being a mean girl; she’s just very logical about her choices, and I’ve found that she’s made some pretty solid friendships with some nice, upstanding kids this way.
Maybe Nee is like this to some extent. Perhaps you can make sure that she’s not a loner by encouraging her to figure out who the kids are that she wants to be bothered with, and then help her foster those friendships by sponsoring playdates, making sure she can communicate with them outside of school (phone/email), and doing as K did—helping her to figure out how to approach/talk to other kids. This is a useful lesson for any kid for a myriad of things (talking to adults, talking to teachers, talking to authority figures, etc.) because kids simply can’t figure any of this out themselves.
Good luck, NEE!!!
Oooh, I’ve been the new girl more times than I like to remember, and I too was shy and found it difficult to make friends. Dang it, I still do. I guess my only advice is that really old one about “being yourself.” Sorry.
Glad you’re back…wondered when you’d be doing more than posting witty and occasionally rage-inducing quotes on Twitter!
Awww, I truly understand. My oldest is the quiet one and she’s entering high school this year. The size of the school alone scares me so I can’t help to wonder what’s going through her mind. The more I try to talk to her about it, the more she clams up. So I leave it alone. Just like in middle school, she found her way and she will in high school. I suspect the same will hold true for your little girl. Once she’s comfortable, she’ll make some friends and they will all look out for each other. Of course the teen years are coming and K might be wishing that your daughter was the quiet one she is now.
Being socialable was never my strong point either. Eventually I came around. With an understanding Dad to help I am sure Nee will come around too.
Yay! I’m glad you decided to make the change to the new school. *fingers crossed*
Awww, I feel for Nee. Fortunately, we all know that shyness can be overcome. Perhaps, since you have the same temperament, you can discuss with her the way you came out of your shell. (Although, I can never imagine YOU being shy!)
Good luck!
I am starting to learn to be social. The internet is a way that I can be social and still hide, but now I want to meet everyone face to face. My husband is a social butterfly and loves attention. I do not want to be the center of it. I like the background, but I think I turned out okay. She will make friends in her own way. My 13 year old is so not sociable. He doesn’t go outside, he doesn’t have friends in the neighborhood (except for two girls that comes by every now and then to say hi, aww girls). I use to be worried because all he wants to do is sit inside on his computer and play with his cyber friends, but like me he feels more comfortable behind the scenes. I no longer force him to be social how I feel he should be social, I just try to encourage the things that he does like to do and that can actual make him become more social when someone sees how talented he is. She will be okay and continue to nurture her like you guys are doing.
Yep that’s me….I want to slip into a room unannounced….my husband on the other hand wants a trumpet playing when he enters!!! So far my daughter wants to slip in right next to me and we both pretend that we don’t know her daddy!!! LOL
Nice to meet you. Now back off.
Nothing wrong with being on your guard especially when you’ve experienced meanness. I was pretty introverted as a child but then cocooned in high school and became a social butterfly. Didn’t experience meanness, but then my sister did, so I would argue based on what I’ve seen that girls have a harder time with subtle bullying than boys.