Mean Girls

Are you kidding? If you found that out, you’d be running for the nobel peace price! *lol*

I -for one- would like to know why girls have this tendency to be mean and to backstab…. give me boys, please.. they just play and when they fight, one hits the other and it’s done with! I always played with boys when I was little, and it had very much to do with all that..

girls tend to have their own politics and gangs and they’re VERY good at picking ‘ fights’ that last for ages
and, well.. yeah, the backstabbing bit is the thing I never understood.

greetings from the netherlands!

Mean girls among other things have helped me make the decision to home school. My girls are much more happy and less stressed out since they have been homeschooled.

I am so sorry this happened to your daughter. It makes me so sad that girls, and WOMEN, are like this. I have no idea why they do it. Perhaps something about jealously? I’m so glad you’re reaching out and taking action. It’s something my mother never did. I was often the recipient of teasing as a gradeschooler. Even as an adult looking different.

I was a shy girl who had a mother who forced me to fight after I kept running home whining and sometimes terrified of the girl-bullies at my school. I had one fight and that knocked people off of me. I was so afraid that I over-fought and pummeled one girl.
With my daughter, I made sure she did activities where she’d find children that she had more in common with. A couple of the girls in the neighborhood who started out mean, I took under my wing and worked to influence them. One with the mother’s knowledge, one without (that one’s mother was a doozy and didn’t get my concerns). Befriending friends I didn’t like also helped when my daughter picked a couple of knuckleheads to like in high school.
Best of luck to you.

Children shouldn’t have to deal with that kind of harassment. As an adult, there is no way I would put myself in a situation day in and day out with people who treated me like your daughter is being treated. Being physically assaulted is not something to be put up with and neither is verbal abuse. Coping with that kind of constant abuse isn’t healthy for anyone. I think moving her to another school is a wise decision. You say it’s for different reasons, but abuse is enough of a reason to move. If you keep running into schools where she is still receiving such excessive abuse, you might consider homeschooling her. At least that way, when she runs into mean kids at homeschooling groups, she won’t be stuck with them 8 hours a day 5 days a week.

Children shouldn’t have to deal with that kind of harassment. As an adult, there is no way I would put myself in a situation day in and day out with people who treated me like your daughter is being treated. Being physically assaulted is not something to be put up with and neither is verbal abuse. Coping with that kind of constant abuse isn’t healthy for anyone. I think moving her to another school is a wise decision. You say it’s for different reasons, but abuse is enough of a reason to move. If you keep running into schools where she is still receiving such excessive abuse, you might consider homeschooling her. At least that way, when she runs into mean kids at homeschooling groups, she won’t be stuck with them 8 hours a day 5 days a week.

Mean girls brought me to tears all the time when i was in Jr. High. Teasing me about my skin, hair, etc. I would not replace those years, because they made me the person i am today!

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When I tried my hand at acting and modeling. I was able to take all the rejection, and criticism…because of all the years of experience being teased by mean girls! The sad part is that grown women still act that way- hating on one another !

It took most of my life before I realized that a lot of that meanness is due to envy, jealousy and low self-esteem. I don’t know why girls act like that or where they get it from. I only know it carries over into their adult life. I never thought anyone had a reason to be jealous of me. I wasn’t the prettiest and I was always the chubby kid, no reason for girls to be jealous… right? I learned I was wrong. Jealous of my brain, my skills, my talents. Again, it took me a life time to finally figure out what I’d been dealing with my whole life.

If it’s any comfort, as I look back at the hardships I met along my journey, I wouldn’t trade any of them because they were the things that made me who I am today – able to feel for others, care for others, sense someone else’s pains and discomforts. Just continue to be there for your daughter, teach her right from wrong, feed her self worth and the unfortunate trials she faces now will in the end make her the better person. She is already the better person – she has you.

Wow, this broke my heart!! I actually recently wrote a post on my blog about women bullies. I witnessed bullies as a child and now at 42…I still witness them. The problem, they are adults. Makes me so frustrated. I truly believe that unhappy people bully….insecure,unhappy and JEALOUS people. Ok, had to get that off my chest…thank you;)

Hello Mocha Dad, this is my first time on your blog and when I saw this topic I knew I had to respond. I have been affected by mean girls for the majority of my life and I’m now 32 years old. When I was in grade school, I was constantly teased about my looks, I was chubby with an afro and glasses- I was raised in the 80′s and it was not so cool to wear an afro anymore,lol! Also, I was insanely quiet and kept to myself- that just added fuel to the fire, I was the brunt of many jokes from the cool, popular girls in grade school and eventually high school, in high school it’s 100 times worse, you are dealing with raging hormones and full out cattiness; and yes this continued in college also but what I did and is probably one of my only regrets, I kept it all to myself. I felt alone and isolated for most of my formative years which have caused problems for me up until a few years ago, when I finally opened up about all the pain I suffered and inevitably made good friends. Ironically this is what made me distinguish the frenemies I had from the great friends I have to this day. Also, when she gets a little older, tell her that people come into your life for a season, not everyone is meant to be friends with you forever, some friendships are only meaningful in certain stages in our lives and if you don’t move on they become unhealthy. I also recently discovered this by ending a friendship with a so-called friend who just happened to be a mean girl in disguise, and guess what she’s 38 years old! This woman would talk crap about every woman she would come in contact with yet she was so self-absorbed, neurotic, insecure and hated her life; I knew I had to cut her off if not just for the fact that she would slip in an insult or two now and again, or a backhanded compliment whenever she felt threatened by me; the situation as well as she, was insane.

Truthfully, mean girls are everywhere and every age, some women do not know how to be kind and they will never learn; but what you can do for your daughter is teach her how to be assertive, not aggressive. She is still in grade school so if a mean girl or whomever was to say something insulting to her, tell her it is okay to talk to an adult about the situation as well as yourself and let the adults handle it from there. If the bullying/meanness continues, then you know you have a situation where a sit down with parents is necessary.

Most importantly, teach her the value of friendship and tell her how to distinguish a good, kind friend from those who aren’t so good because if she starts that now, she will learn how to seek out a good support group or network of great people that will help her get through life. Like I said before, mean girls/women are everywhere; from the competitive classmate who tries to insult or intimidate you or the female boss who wants to keep her foot on your neck because she’s afraid you might steal her job. I honestly don’t know how some women, some people sleep at night knowing they intentionally hurt others on a daily basis, but like my mother always told me “people who are hurting, hurt others.” That statement couldn’t be more relevant today. Sorry for the long post- I hope all this helps.

I wish I could say it ends, but it doesn’t. Like most of the posters above have said, bullying is about power and control. They pick on her because she is shy and because they think they can. As someone mentioned, no place is safe from this type of behavior. Most girls are competing with each other. In this society, we have taught our children that materialistic things are more important than integrity, pride, self esteem and confidence. We should not make the mistake of innocently (or ignorantly) thinking the world is the same as it was when we were younger. It isn’t. Children are beguiled and enticed by the hippest phones, the hottest clothes etc. If they see a child who stands out, they automatically see her as prey. Do not blame the children, some blame must and does lie with the parents.
When I found myself in this situation, I “hinted” at watching my child everyday they were in the school’s care, showing them their very own statement about providing a safe secure environment for “every” child. Bullies also have a tendency to pick on children who are “different” (read extremely intelligent) or retrospective. These children are deep thinkers as my Dad would say.

She is going to grow up intelligent and proud that she did not stoop to the ignorance of her peers, regardless of how tempting it was. I also agree that you should remove her from the situation if possible if it has grown into physical assault.

We are here to protect our children and your reaction is rightful and pure. Nee will grow up to be a beautiful, confident, proud Black woman because that is the way you are raising her.

i’ve got my daughter in private christian school…and i always went to them. never spent a day in public school. and i gotta say that i’ve seen the meanness happen even in my schools. it’s sad andi guess all kids no matter what kind of upbringing have to deal with it at some point. it’s sad.

I was the shy, smart kid who got tortured in grade school by her classmates. I don’t know why girls are mean, unless it’s territorial or insecurity. Sometimes, I don’t think they realize just how much they hurt each other until later. I got called fat, ugly, egghead, and all sorts of other names in elementary school, and grew up thinking those things were true. Seeing pictures of myself as a child, I’m surprised to find that I was a healthy, adorable kid.

I remember my grandmother would try to tell me that the other children were just jealous because I made good grades. She told me I was beautiful and smart, and loved me as hard as she could, but in the end I had to realize for myself that the things I was told on the playground weren’t true. What helped me most was that a few of the girls who used to be so mean came back and actually apologized to me when we were older.

Of course, another thing that helped was my grandmother teaching me simply self-defense moves and witty comebacks for their teasing. She always stressed that I shouldn’t start fights, but that if a kid attacked me physically, I had her go-ahead to protect myself. Knowing you love her and think she’s wonderful is important, but knowing you’ll back her up if she gets picked on and defends herself is almost as important, if not more so.

I am the father of 4 girls, my oldest just turned 13 a year ago and is in 7th grade. My youngest is 2. I have 2 boys as well. We have had to deal with this with our oldest on a couple of occasions. One was at a birthday party our oldest daughter was having and some of the girls she invited. They turned on each other and it ended up everyone was crying, luckily my wife and I put an end to it that night and it stopped. I have taught my daughters to be strong and that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of them. Respect yourself and don’t ever disrespect yourself by allowing something to happen you know you don’t want. All of my daughters are sweet, well the 2 year old isn’t always so sweet, but my older 3 are very sweet and they certainly aren’t the popular girls in their schools. We have also told our daughters if anything happens to call us or tell us immediately and we will come and support them. Unfortunately this happened to my 13 year old this year with a boy, but that’s another story. My work schedule allows me to work 4 days a week and on Fridays I volunteer at my kid’s schools. I have been doing this since my oldest started kindergarten and I am still doing it to this day even in the middle school. This has helped me keep an eye out on the kids in their classrooms and build relationships with the teachers. I see lots of stuff when I am at school and get a better understanding of the other kids and whats happening in their lives and it allows me to talk about it with my kids at home. I also teach all my kids to stand up for those who can’t or won’t and this has been helpful also. I am seeing things pay off this year for my 13 year old as she is starting to use her voice more and more. Ultimately we are lucky we haven’t had it as bad as your daughter and I am really sorry to hear that. She doesn’t deserve that and I hope your new school works out for her.

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MochaDad, I know this is an older blog post, but this is the first I’ve seen of it and I still wanted to comment. 

The thing is, no matter what the reason (there are so many!) for mean girl behavior, the fact is that it exists.  And soon, your daughter might start to experience bad behavior from boys as well.  It’s part of life.  I am in no way saying that it’s ok; I myself was bullied at more than one time in my grade school years and it’s awful.  Truly awful.  But whether it’s wrong, or harmful, or upsetting doesn’t change the fact that it’s real and it’s everywhere.  My feeling about this topic is that people have got to start focusing on teaching children the coping skills to get through it.  Not because it should be their burden to carry, or because nasty people should be allowed to inflict their nastiness on everyone, but because their response to the situation is the only thing that is truly within anyone’s control.  We’ve seen the news enough times to know that no amount of punishing, talking to, teaching, begging, or pleading with bullies makes a difference.  We’re putting all our emphasis right now into stopping these kids, and you know what?  The truth is that they can’t be stopped.  They’ve always existed, they always will, it’s just one part of human nature.  So, if you can’t stop a bully, then you have to learn how to survive the situation until you’re out of it. 

Teach your daughter about what it really means to love, respect, and take care of herself.  And teach her about what it really means to protect herself.  Maybe there will be a time in her young life where she’ll have to defend herself physically (I hope not), but that’s not all there is to protecting onesself.  If she’s being mistreated by her friends, then she needs to protect herself by seeing those friendships for what they are and ending them in order to pursue real friendships.  She needs to know that friends may argue, but overall, they lift each other up.  She needs to know that if that’s not happening, then the relationship she’s having isn’t a friendship and it needs to end.  I’m sure you’ve taught her these things, but keeping teaching that because that’s the sort of thing that’ll give her strength and help her navigate the difficulties she’s facing. 

You daughter was able to leave this school for other reasons, and that’s great.  A fresh start is a beautiful thing.  But if she’s in her new school now and has run into more problems, what she needs to learn is how to handle herself in the healthiest possible ways, because vicious people are everywhere.  As her parent and her fiercest guardian, of course you want to protect her, but unless she’s in real danger, the best thing you can do for her is teach her to survive.  That’s a skill she’ll need for the rest of her life. 

I hope she’s happier at her new school.