Mocha Dad

7 Traits of Real Men

Photo by: Photofinish2009 via Flickr

Men were made to be bold, strong, leaders. However, our society has attempted to repress these traits. If you look at the way men (especially dads) are portrayed on TV, you’d think we were all a bunch of irresponsible, befuddled, nincompoops, who can only function with the help of a “smart” female partner, friend, or spouse.

Consequently, many boys are confused and have no idea what it takes to be a real man. They seek inappropriate role models and emulate the bad behavior that they see on a regular basis.

It is our duty as men, fathers, and responsible citizens to counter these negative images and raise a new generation of men who are respectful, loving, and willing to contribute to society in a positive way.

If we are to achieve this goal, we must start with improving ourselves. I started my journey towards self-improvement after my daughter’s birth. The greatest compliment that a father can get from his daughter is “I want to marry someone just like you.” That kind of pressure forces you to examine your life and look for ways to improve.

Over the years, I’ve discovered seven traits that real men possess:

Integrity – Integrity is more than being honest. It’s a lifestyle set on striving towards moral excellence. Real men say what they mean and mean what they say. They are the same person whether or not others are watching. They are trustworthy, dependable, and unwavering.
Compassion – Compassion is sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it. In other words, you feel compelled to help someone who is hurting. Men aren’t often viewed as being compassionate, but it is a trait that helps us to become more connected to the people around us. Real men turn their compassion into service and work to make the world a better place.
Confidence – Real men are confident. Many people confuse confidence with arrogance and self-centeredness. Real men know the difference. Confidence is about being self-assured and self-aware. Confident men have faith in their abilities and knowledge. They don’t need to tear others down in order to build themselves up. They earn people’s trust with their radiant, inner strength. When a they walk into the room, everyone takes notice.
Self-control – Hardly a day goes by without a news report about some high-profile man who has been destroyed by sex, money, and/or drugs. Too many men lack self-control, but it is the foundation of a virtuous life. Self-control starts with focus and ridding yourself of distractions. Doing this isn’t easy because temptations lurk around every corner. Real men are able to tame their desires and channel that energy into positive pursuits.
Perseverance – Perseverance is the product of self-control. It is courageous resistance against difficult circumstances. Perseverance is only developed through trials. Real men endure the trials and emerge stronger. They never give up.
Bravery – Bravery is the courage to do what is right regardless of the circumstances. Nothing is ever accomplished with an attitude of passivity. Real men stand up in the face of adversity.
Humility – Today’s breed of young men loves to let everyone know how much swagger they have. They thump their chests and proclaim to the world, “I’m a Big Deal. Look at me!” Real men understand the value of being humble and letting someone else’s light shine. They realize that humility is more endearing than self-importance. Humility indicates that you are ridding yourself of the poison of self-centeredness. Besides, humility softens the blow when someone knocks you off your pedestal.

Acquiring all of these traits takes time and dedication. However, our society would benefit greatly if all men strove to possess them.

Stay Strong,

Question: In your opnion, what traits should a real man possess?

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Mocha Dad and Moms: A Parent’s Dilemma – Pushing Too Hard vs Giving Up Too Soon

Mocha Dad and Moms is a monthly column where a mom and I give our points-of-view on a parenting topic. This month’s featured mom is Maria Lianos.

When Is It Too Soon to Give Up on Something?

When my elder son, the Boss, started playing hockey in our very Canadian hockey town, my younger son, the Destroyer, wanted to play too.

He was awestruck by his older brother’s abilities and begged for a chance to get out on the ice.

“I’m glad that you’re so eager to play hockey,” I said. “But you have to learn how to skate first.”

He was a bit disappointed by this minor detail, but if skating lessons were all he needed to start slapping the puck around the ice, then he was ready to sign up.

When we went to fit him for skates and a helmet, the excitement in his face was very clear. He was going to be just like his big brother.

On the first day of lessons, the Destroyer was raring to go. But his demeanor changed as soon as his skate blades hit the ice. Warm tears streamed down his little face as he stood motionless on the ice.

I tried not to let his crying make me cry. It took an amazing amount of willpower to keep it together. I wanted to run over, wrap my arms around him, and whisk him away to the comfort of his mother’s love. But I resisted. “Give him time,” I said to myself. “Maybe he’ll like it.” Sadly, the crying continued for the entire lesson.

We attended one more lesson, but the water works started as soon as he entered the rink. At that point, I decided to take him out of skating lessons. I was saddened that skating lessons proved to be such an awful experience for him. I was even more disappointed that it would definitely turn him off hockey completely.

But my main concern was the lesson that he may have learned from this experience. I worried that by pulling him out of the lessons, it may have given him the impression that it’s okay to give up – definitely not something I want to teach my kids. I want them to keep trying and practicing even when it’s hard. But where do you draw the line? When is it too soon to give up on something? When is it okay to say, “This is not for my kid”?

A while later, I asked the Destroyer if he was still interested in playing sports. He looked at me with a sly grin and said, “I think I’ll stick with the skateboard and the drums.”

* * * * *

Maria Lianos is a mom of two rambunctious boys and publisher/editor of A Mother World. She also is a celebrity blogger for Babble and a Community Manager for a local non-profit organization for new parents, Life With a Baby.

Learning How Hard to Push

My daughter, Nee, knows exactly what she doesn’t like. My wife and I have signed her up for many activities, but she can hardly enjoy them because she is such a naysayer.

We tried ballet. “Dancing is not my thing,” she said.

We tried soccer. “Soccer is no fun because the girls are too aggressive,” she complained.

I even offered to enroll her in a Manga drawing class, which I know she loves, but she declined by saying, “It will be boring.”

I want to give her many opportunities to try different things so she can discover her true passions. But it gets frustrating because she is afraid of new experiences.

It’s hard for me to relate to her attitude because I’m adventurous. I try new things just for the sake of doing something different. If I like it – great. If not – no big deal.

Not Nee.

She prefers the safety of the familiar. Therefore, I made a pact with her that was designed to push her out of her comfort zone. She must enroll in at least one extra-curricular activity during the school year and one sport during the summer and she is required to participate for the duration of the activity. If she decides that she doesn’t like it, then she doesn’t have to pursue it any further.

As a parent, I must walk a fine line between pushing her to spread her wings and allowing her to find her own path. But I never want to give her the impression that it’s okay to give up or to not try in the first place.

We recently arranged piano lessons for Nee. After some initial reluctance, she agreed to take the lessons. Things started a little rocky, but she finally made a breakthrough when she was able to play a song all the way through.

“Aren’t you glad you didn’t give up when things got tough?” I asked.

She smiled, nodded her head, and continued playing “Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho.”

Stay Strong,

Questions: When is it too soon to give up on something? How do you teach the value of perseverence? How do you know when you’ve pushed too hard?

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Creative Lessons in a Brown Paper Bag

Creativity is a trait that I try to nurture in my children. Whether through art, music, or literature, I strive to give them many opportunities to express themselves.

Here is an example of 9-year-old Nee's photography skills

Because of my encouragement, my 9-year-old daughter, Nee, is blossoming into a talented writer, artist, pianist, and photographer. Although she is naturally shy, her artistic endeavors give her an outlet to express herself.

My two sons, N and X, have learned to express their creativity in different ways. X, who is 3-years-old, loves music. He often turns on the stereo and starts dancing. At night, I usually hear him singing himself to sleep (one of his favorite songs is “Beat It“).

Seven-year-old, N has the gift of gab. I’m always impressed by his ability to turn a phrase and effectively argue his point (not to mention his unique questions). Because of his oratory skills, he will either be a politician, pastor, or pundit.

As parents, it is important that we identify our kids’ talents and look for ways to channel their creativity into positive outlets.

Early in my life, my mother realized that I liked to draw; therefore, she did whatever she could to help cultivate my talent. Although she couldn’t afford art lessons, she took me to community art classes and to the library to check out art related books.

I was probably the only kid with an intimate knowledge of Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael before they were Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Without her encouragement, I very well could have succumbed to the temptations of the streets. Instead, I worked hard to develop my artistic and later my literary skills.

In high school and college, I wrote short stories and poems in my spare time. I thought they were masterpieces, but in retrospect they were trite and poorly developed.

It wasn’t until I enrolled in a college poetry writing class, that I really learned how to be creative.

My professor, Dr. Woodson, was a quirky guy who wore black pants, a black shirt, and a black trench coat everyday. He taught us how to deconstruct a poem in order to really appreciate it’s merits. He also taught us about the creative process that goes into writing poetry.

On the first day of class, he told us to pull out a sheet of paper because we were having a pop quiz. We all groaned and reluctantly pulled out our notebooks.

Dr. Woodson reached under his desk and puled out a brown paper bag. He placed the bag on his desk and said, “Here is your quiz.”

We all looked at each other puzzled. One brave student asked what we were supposed to do.

“Tell me what’s in the bag,” said Dr. Woodson. “You have five minutes to complete the quiz.”

We all looked around the room still unsure about what we should be doing. We wrote answers on our papers and passed them to Dr. Woodson at the end of the allotted period.

“Now I will read your answers aloud and grade the papers,” said Dr. Woodson.

“The first one says, ‘Your Lunch,’’ Dr. Woodson said. “F!” He went through a few more papers that said things like, air, some pens, and a few more lunch responses. All F!

Finally, Dr. Woodson found a response that made him smile.

“Finally,” he said. “This paper says, ‘Pink Cadillac.’ A!”

I will always remember that exercise because it made me think differently. I may never be a famous author or see my work hanging in the Guggenheim, but I will strive to be creative in every endeavor. And I plan to teach my kids to do the same.

Stay Strong,

Questions: How do you encourage your kids to be creative? Did anyone ever nurture your creativity?

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10 Things My Kids Learned in School Last Year

It’s back to school time and like many parents, I’m scrambling to make sure my kids are prepared. But while I was shopping for school supplies, going to parent orientations, and finding the perfect backpack, I started to reminisce on last year. It was my kids’ first year in public school and they managed to [...]

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Always Listen to Your Wife

KayEm told me to leave the house earlier, but I disregarded her advice because I’m a seasoned traveler. My heart stopped as I entered the highway and saw the traffic backed up for miles. I could hear KayEm’s voice in my head, “You should have left earlier…” I managed to get around the traffic, but [...]

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When Siblings Are Rivals

One morning at breakfast, my wife, KayEm, was teaching my daughter Nee about matter. As they discussed the concept, Nee provided some concrete examples of matter. KayEm was pleased by Nee’s mastery of the topic and continued explaining the three states of matter. My son, N, upset that he wasn’t grasping the concept, decided to [...]

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Guest Post: The Value of a Doll

It was a hair emergency that brought us to the American Girl Store in Dallas, TX. While the clothes, books and dolls were nice, the real reason for our visit was simple: Nee’s 2-year-old doll needed a hair intervention. After a couple of years of being braided and re-braided, the poor doll’s hair was a [...]

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Mocha Dad and Moms: Overcoming the Fear of Failure

Mocha Dad and Moms is a monthly column where a mom and I give our points-of-view on a parenting topic. This month’s featured mom is Carma. Defeating Fear by Blogging, Dancing, and Juggling Five years ago, my son decided to learn to juggle. He was often discouraged and frustrated when he didn’t master a new [...]

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Pretty Princess

“Good night, pretty princess,” I told my daughter as I tucked her into bed. “Good night, Daddy,” she said as she kissed me on the cheek. “Do you know you’re the prettiest girl in the world?” I asked. “Yes, I know,” she said. “How do you know?” I asked. “Because you told me so,” she [...]

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A Walk to Remember

One of the most rewarding times as a father is when I get to spend one-on-one time with my children. Since I have three children, it is not always easy to give each child the individual attention he or she deserves. A walk with my 2-year old son, X, taught me just how precious these [...]

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Annoying Little Siblings

“Little brothers are so annoying,” said my daughter, Nee, as we drove home from the restaurant. Her 6-year-old brother was driving her batty with his constant references to poop and other bodily functions. “You don’t think, X is annoying,” I said. X is her 2-year old brother whom she shares a special bond with. It’s [...]

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Hip-Hop, Laundry, and Gender Equality

My son is male chauvinist pig. In his six years on this planet, I’ve done my best to teach him about gender equality, but my lessons seem to have fallen on deaf ears. Girls Do Not Rock I first noticed his sexism while listening to Run-DMCs Rock Box. N, his younger brother, X, and I [...]

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No Daddy Help Me! Mommy Help Me!

My 2-year-old son, X, thinks I’m incompetent. Whenever I attempt to give him a bath, get him dressed, or put him to bed, he immediately protests. “No Daddy help me! Mommy help me!” He does seek my assistance when he wants someone fix his toy, read him a book, or give him a cookie. Otherwise, I’m [...]

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Are You There God? It’s Me Mocha Dad.

“She’s only nine.” Those words floated above my head like a plastic bag caught in a wind gust. They spun in the calm breeze for several minutes before being carried away by the harsh winds of truth. “I know she’s only nine,” said my wife, KayEm. “But your daughter has started puberty.” “What do you [...]

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Mocha Dad and Moms: In the Kitchen with Kids

Mocha Dad and Moms is a monthly column where a mom and I give our points-of-view on a parenting topic. Today’s featured mom is Sheliza “Shelly” Ismail. Teaching Your Children to Cook is Important Growing up in a large family, I had to learn how to cook at an early age. Although my mother always [...]